noisemonkey

Manufacturing Music News Since 2002
FIVE FUN FACTS: The Beach Boys The Beach Boys took their name after a prison break and chase by the police led to them falling into an experimental particle accelerator. The accident molecularly bonded them with sand and granted them shape-shifting sand abilities and powerful vocal harmonies.   Early records such as Surfin’ Uncle, Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’, and Literally Everybody Is Surfin’ Right Now were recorded in a surfin’ powered recording studio off the coast of California. Twelve sound engineers died in surfin’ related accidents.   During the 1960s band leader Brian Wilson suffered from a debilitating addiction to trifle that inspired him to create songs with delicately layered harmonies.   It would be nice if we were older.   The album cover for Pet Sounds features the band members dressed as goats, being fed by goats dressed as Beach Boys. 

FIVE FUN FACTS: The Beach Boys

  1. The Beach Boys took their name after a prison break and chase by the police led to them falling into an experimental particle accelerator. The accident molecularly bonded them with sand and granted them shape-shifting sand abilities and powerful vocal harmonies.  
  2. Early records such as Surfin’ Uncle, Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’, and Literally Everybody Is Surfin’ Right Now were recorded in a surfin’ powered recording studio off the coast of California. Twelve sound engineers died in surfin’ related accidents.  
  3. During the 1960s band leader Brian Wilson suffered from a debilitating addiction to trifle that inspired him to create songs with delicately layered harmonies.  
  4. It would be nice if we were older.  
  5. The album cover for Pet Sounds features the band members dressed as goats, being fed by goats dressed as Beach Boys. 
NEWS: CD Sales To Reach Negative Figures Within Decade New calculations made on the back of a beer mat estimate that at the current linear rate of decline, sales of CDs (‘compacted diskettes’) will be negative within the decade. Rather than selling CDs the music industry will be receiving millions of CDs each year and will struggle to find somewhere to keep them all. A number of initiatives were tested for boosting CD sales in 2011: Albums were put on sale in newsagents disguised as packets of crisps. Classic albums were re-issued bundled with 10 to 20 inferior albums. CDs were made 500% larger, to make them easier for consumers to find. The initiatives do not appear to have halted the decline and some in the music industry have resigned themselves to the inevitability of negative sales. “We’re preparing to find space on our shelves for millions of CDs,” said music industry spokesman Timothy Wardrobe, “My wife is not going to be happy.” No reliable sales figures exist for music downloads since they are nearly invisible to the naked eye, and therefore too small to reliably count. MiniDiscs saw impressive results, with annual sales doubling to nearly 10 sold*. * SOURCE: Bloke down the pub. Margin of error = 10 MiniDiscs.

NEWS: CD Sales To Reach Negative Figures Within Decade

New calculations made on the back of a beer mat estimate that at the current linear rate of decline, sales of CDs (‘compacted diskettes’) will be negative within the decade. Rather than selling CDs the music industry will be receiving millions of CDs each year and will struggle to find somewhere to keep them all.

A number of initiatives were tested for boosting CD sales in 2011:

  • Albums were put on sale in newsagents disguised as packets of crisps.
  • Classic albums were re-issued bundled with 10 to 20 inferior albums.
  • CDs were made 500% larger, to make them easier for consumers to find.

The initiatives do not appear to have halted the decline and some in the music industry have resigned themselves to the inevitability of negative sales.

“We’re preparing to find space on our shelves for millions of CDs,” said music industry spokesman Timothy Wardrobe, “My wife is not going to be happy.”

No reliable sales figures exist for music downloads since they are nearly invisible to the naked eye, and therefore too small to reliably count. MiniDiscs saw impressive results, with annual sales doubling to nearly 10 sold*.

* SOURCE: Bloke down the pub. Margin of error = 10 MiniDiscs.

THE TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2011

10 PRINT “Hello”

9 THE ALL-NEW BEATLES “I Wanna Hold Your All-New Hand”

8 DUSTY BIN’S GRANDCHILD “Independent Women Part IV - A New Hope”

7 BON IVER SQUARED “BON IVER BON IVER”

6 HELP I’M TRAPPED IN AN ALBUM FACTORY “Seriously, Send Help”

5 PYJAMA HARVEY “Let The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland Have Milkshake”

4 SNOW “50 Words For Kate Bush”

3 SLOWLY RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS “Should Of Done A Top Five List Instead”

2 UM UM UM “Think Think Think”

1 OH WELL GUESS THAT’LL HAVE TO DO “…”

NEWS: December 31st Sees Release Of 10 Best Albums Of 2011, Press Retractions The last day of 2011 saw the simultaneous release of ten albums that were deemed to be so excellent that the press were forced to re-think their previous ‘Top 10 Albums Of The Year’ lists and print retractions. The previous winners are also now being criticised for rushing out their albums in order to knock off work early. “We gave it the full 365 days, working right up to New Year’s Eve. The extra time was invaluable in crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s,” said Gavin Doorhandle, lead-singer with The All-New Beatles, “If you don’t do that then your lyrics end up full of l’s.” With the December 31st releases knocking all other albums out of the ‘Top 10’ lists, the situation has been likened to ‘The Tortoise And The Hare’ - a local Sussex pub that always does its best business on New Year’s Eve. Inaccurate Top 10 Albums Of The Year 2011 have been published since back in November, but have now been returned for pulping. The Press Complaints Commission is  investigating if the public have been deliberately misled. The music press have collectively been left with egg on their faces due to an unrelated entertaining incident involving escaped chickens. They were also pretty embarrassed about having to retract their Top 10 lists. “We messed up. We jumped the gun, but unfortunately misjudged said jump and fell face first into a pit full of guns and got completely covered in guns. The guns are all tangled in our hair and everything. Plus, I think we’re mostly allergic to guns,” explained Timothy Wardrobe, spokesman for The Ghost Of Melody Maker, “In our defence - we, ummm, thought that 2011 was, errrrm, a metric year and that it had finished weeks ago?” The Press Complaints Commission are unlikely to accept this excuse, since it has been well publicised that the UK government’s new cost-saving 10-month metric year only comes into force in 2015.

NEWS: December 31st Sees Release Of 10 Best Albums Of 2011, Press Retractions

The last day of 2011 saw the simultaneous release of ten albums that were deemed to be so excellent that the press were forced to re-think their previous ‘Top 10 Albums Of The Year’ lists and print retractions. The previous winners are also now being criticised for rushing out their albums in order to knock off work early.

“We gave it the full 365 days, working right up to New Year’s Eve. The extra time was invaluable in crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s,” said Gavin Doorhandle, lead-singer with The All-New Beatles, “If you don’t do that then your lyrics end up full of l’s.”

With the December 31st releases knocking all other albums out of the ‘Top 10’ lists, the situation has been likened to ‘The Tortoise And The Hare’ - a local Sussex pub that always does its best business on New Year’s Eve.

Inaccurate Top 10 Albums Of The Year 2011 have been published since back in November, but have now been returned for pulping. The Press Complaints Commission is  investigating if the public have been deliberately misled. The music press have collectively been left with egg on their faces due to an unrelated entertaining incident involving escaped chickens. They were also pretty embarrassed about having to retract their Top 10 lists.

“We messed up. We jumped the gun, but unfortunately misjudged said jump and fell face first into a pit full of guns and got completely covered in guns. The guns are all tangled in our hair and everything. Plus, I think we’re mostly allergic to guns,” explained Timothy Wardrobe, spokesman for The Ghost Of Melody Maker, “In our defence - we, ummm, thought that 2011 was, errrrm, a metric year and that it had finished weeks ago?”

The Press Complaints Commission are unlikely to accept this excuse, since it has been well publicised that the UK government’s new cost-saving 10-month metric year only comes into force in 2015.

NEWS: Groove Is In The Heart, Surgeons ‘Baffled’ The world of medical science was rocked like a fat rock star on a rocking horse today by the discovery of a groove gland in the heart. Pioneering surgeons at St Optimus School Of Medical Medicine made the discovery and presented the scientific world with their results on Tuesday, by drawing the location of the gland onto the front of an old Valentines card. The groove glands were found cheekily hiding behind the upper aortic cardio-doohickey. They are believed to have been previously missed by all other surgeons due to it being kind of dark and gross in there. Medical text books currently inaccurately state that groove is in the ankles. “This turns medical science on its head,” said medical science spokesman Timothy Wardrobe, “Now we’re all wearing shoes as hats - and that’s NOT a good look.”

NEWS: Groove Is In The Heart, Surgeons ‘Baffled’

The world of medical science was rocked like a fat rock star on a rocking horse today by the discovery of a groove gland in the heart.

Pioneering surgeons at St Optimus School Of Medical Medicine made the discovery and presented the scientific world with their results on Tuesday, by drawing the location of the gland onto the front of an old Valentines card.

The groove glands were found cheekily hiding behind the upper aortic cardio-doohickey. They are believed to have been previously missed by all other surgeons due to it being kind of dark and gross in there. Medical text books currently inaccurately state that groove is in the ankles.

“This turns medical science on its head,” said medical science spokesman Timothy Wardrobe, “Now we’re all wearing shoes as hats - and that’s NOT a good look.”