noisemonkey.com

To avoid hayfever, I plan to domesticate bees and train them to block pollen from my nose. Just like...

May 1st

Hayfever is bad. But what if that nasty pollen resulted in hay growing from your nostrils? No-one...

May 1st

Sneezes can be faster than 100mph. Which is why you should never sneeze near a speed camera, if you...

Apr 29th

The human body is about 60% water. Which is why you should never climb inside a boiling kettle.

Apr 28th

FACT! Fizzy drinks bubble because they’re just so angry.

Apr 28th

FACT! If you stacked the entire UK population end-to-end, then you’ll have a lot of enemies....

Apr 27th

Its embarrassing to break your sunglasses by sitting on them. Especially if you’re wearing...

Apr 25th

I had that dream where you’re in an exam you’ve not studied for. Wasn’t so bad....

Apr 22nd

Not sure what words I’d want on my gravestone, but I’d like lots of punctuation. At...

Apr 21st

When househunting, it’s important to check it can be easily defended from zombies. Also,...

Apr 19th

I’m going to modify my umbrella by fixing a trampoline to the top of it. We’ll see how...

Apr 17th

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Especially if it contains the antidote.

Apr 16th

There’s nothing worse than going into a room and being unable to remember what it is you went...

Apr 14th

It’s often much easier to avoid gaining weight when you’re single. For example -...

Apr 13th

I love internet shopping. Because you can never have enough internets.

Apr 12th

Urban foxes are often thought of as pests, but that’s not the case. They’re vital in...

Apr 10th

They say you should face your fears. That’s easier said than done, when the thing you fear is...

Apr 9th

I’m learning self-hypnosis. I’ve just bought Paul McKenna’s new book ‘I Can...

Apr 8th

It’s true that exposure to violent video games leads to real-world violence. For example, last...

Apr 7th

My guitar practise continues. My dream is to become a rock god. Or, less ambitiously, rock pope.

Apr 6th

Statistically, the most dangerous type of pedestrian crossing in history was the quagga crossing....

Apr 5th

DO: Keep a journal of your dreams. DON’T: Write dreams in your personal organiser. 9.30am...

Apr 4th

Style advice - a fab way to appear taller & thinner is to jump in a black hole. It’s...

Apr 3rd

The trick with centaurs is knowing when to stop. There’s a fine line between French cuisine...

Apr 2nd