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Home | Archive | Previous Issue | Next Issue | Issue 04 |
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ISSUE 04 |
| Pop Idol Hailed as New God | | Exclusive: Oasis Reveal New Record Details | | Scientists Warn of Band Name Shortage | | Chemikal Underground to be Part Privatised | | GigMonkey | | |||
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Pop Idol Hailed as New GodChurch of Will becomes official religionThe nation came to a standstill last night as 22-year-old Will Young was declared a living god by ITV corporate puppets PJ and Duncan. The Church of Will has been officially recognised as the UK's largest religion, with over 30 million dedicated worshippers - roughly equal to the audience figures for ITV's Blind Date. Work is already underway on a massive solid gold statue of Will that will be erected in Trafalgar Square in the place of Nelson's Column. Churches, mosques, and synagogues up and down the country are being demolished so that they might be replaced by temples dedicated to the singing star. "The almighty Will is a great and good god, and we should bow down and worship him as the all-powerful spiritual being that he is," said High Priest of the Church of Will, Doctor "Neil" Fox, "And you can worship him every day on my show, four o'clock on 95.8 Capital FM London." He then added that although he is not a real doctor, he is a real fox. Appearing before his believers with the physical form of a gurning chimp-like humanoid upon a hill-top, Will declared, "Worship me, for I am a loving and omnipotent god, with good hair and a lovely smile. I am also an omnipresent god - there will be no escape from me, whether on TV or in magazines and newspapers." He then proceeded to perform an annoyingly perfect but unnecessarily updated rendition of "I Heard It Through the Grapevine." Speaking to NoiseMonkey, runner-up Gareth Gates said that he was disappointed that he'd lost out on the chance to be the head of his own religion, as he'd have been sure to use his supreme powers to vengefully smite those unfaithful that made needless jokes about his stuttering. He then paused for one hour and fifty-two minutes, before adding that he didn't think jokes about stuttering were very funny, especially in print. |
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Exclusive: Oasis Reveal New Record DetailsNew album will be "flat, circular, shiny"Details of the new Oasis album have been revealed exclusively to NoiseMonkey. Finished last week, the album is likely to be released at some point in the future, and is probable to satisfy some fans of the group, although this cannot be confirmed at present. "The new album is everything that characterised the previous Oasis albums," revealed Noel speaking exclusively to NoiseMonkey from a payphone somewhere in Luton, "In that again its going to be kind of flat, circular, and shiny on one side. Should fit in a CD player no problem, which is something I'm very pleased with. Liam's pretty happy with it as well, as it was his idea to make the thing circular." Whilst it is clear and exclusive that the album may or may not be fairly similar to previous efforts by the exciting, relevant, and not-at-all past-it Britpop group, it is equally clear and exclusive that the album might possibly contain new elements. "Yeah, we didn't want to retread new ground," said Noel exclusively, "So we've come up with a box that uses completely new artwork. It should capture the same vibe as 'Definitely Maybe' but there's going to be totally original photos on there. Even the lyric sheet has been updated." NoiseMonkey can also EXCLUSIVELY reveal that at that point in the conversation Noel ran out of ten pence pieces and was forced to hang up. |
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Scientists Warn of Band Name ShortageDrastic measures called for to prevent extinctionAn emergency summit was held this week by leading scientists around the world to discuss the alarming rate at which band names are being used up. Their prediction is that unless something is done soon to halt the drain on the planet's dwindling resources of names they could run out completely as early as 2004. "If we don't act now, then our children may be forced to grow up in a world where music groups have no names and are identified only by the way they look, sound, or in extreme cases smell," said top Icelandic musicologist Professor Pop, "This will obviously attach a degree of uncertainty to the simple act of purchasing a record." Artists such as P Diddy, Prince, and J-Lo are being strongly criticised for using up more than their fair share of the earth's finite quantity of natural name resources. The current situation is said to be approaching critical levels, despite the efforts of groups like Linkin Park and Puddle of Mudd to permutate word spellings to stave off extinction. Other groups such as Cosmic Rough Riders and the Electric Soft Parade have employed random word generators to tap new resources. However, the summit warned that this can only be a temporary solution. "New bands - such as the Music, the Streets and the Bees - are being forced to take mundane names simply because there's nothing better left to choose from. It won't be long before we hear from the Table, the Chair and the Curtains. Its much more complicated than a simple case of lack of imagination when it comes to choosing names," said Professor Carpet, at the summit, "This is a real emergency here." The summit advised the immediate employment of a numerical naming system, as currently employed by pioneers Sum-41, Blink-182, and UB40. If this fails to take effect, then a widespread culling of music groups across the globe will be necessary to protect future band names. |
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Chemikal Underground to be Part-PrivatisedMPs voice concerns over future of Scottish record labelThere was uproar this week as the government announced controversial plans to part-privatise the Scottish music label Chemikal Underground - occasional home of chart-topping super-groups such as Mogwai, the delgadoes, Arab Strap, and bis. Under Minister for Indie, Scott Mott's proposed plans, the label will become maintained by private companies for the benefit of the music-buying public, and will have to achieve consistent levels of musical performance. The scheme aims to use the financial skills and business acumen of the private sector to provide both on time and under-budget the indie Scot-rock albums demanded by the public sector. The initiative represents a bold step and many MPs and locals have voiced concerns that it will take control of the label away from Glasgow City Council. "I'd strongly warn the government to think again about its plans," said the Lord Provost of Glasgow, Mike Wardrobe, "These bands are listened to by the public, and its the public who should have control over how they are maintained. If they start privatising Scottish indie record labels today, it'll be privatised Scottish indie groups tomorrow, you mark my words. Do you really want to see Arab Strap run purely for profit-making purposes?" Blur singer Ken Livingstone was unavailable for comment. |
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GigMonkeyThe Hives/The CoralThe Holiday Inn, Milton KeynesFriday 15thAs manufactured Swedish Rock 'n' Roll bands go, the Hives are about as good as it gets. Tonight promises to be an electrifying performance, in no way lessened by the Hives' "dress-down Friday" policy. Ditching their trademark matching black and white suits for polo shirts, jeans and no doubt some comfortable trainers, expect the Hives to be a whirlwind of smart-casual kamikaze rock-pop. Support comes in the form of the more than worthy up-and-coming psychedelic scouse teenagers, The Coral. Over-brimming with youthful inventiveness and attitude the boys are guaranteed to bring to the evening a vital element of originality plus (because its the last day of term) toys. |
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Hear'Say Battle CardsRecreate your favourite pop adventures with the new Hear'Say Battle Cards! Do you have the skills to become a Hear'Say Master? Its Pure and Simple! Just choose your favourite Hear'Say member, build their powers with training, and then launch special attacks on other members! New for 2002! Continue your Hear'Say adventures with the Johnny Booster Pack! Recommended for players ages 2 and up. Available from shops |
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