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Home | Archive | Previous Issue | Next Issue | Issue 09 |
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Public Warned Not To Look Directly At Jamiroquai SingleSpecial visors issued by government to protect from shininessThe government issued a health warning to the public this week to take care when viewing the new Jamiroquai single. The cover for 'Love Foolosophy' contains dangerous levels of shininess that are well above industry standards. A recent study into the effects of shininess on the human body, by government scientist Doctor 'Neil' Fox, has been quoted. His results showed that looking directly at 'Love Foolosophy' could be potentially dangerous, with a risk of serious eye damage or blindness. The report, available every weekday four till seven, also warned that the cover's high level of shininess could even produce in the viewer an increased body level of what scientists describe as 'cosmicspacefunkium'. In large quantities this chemical can act as an irritant. A multi-million pound campaign to raise public awareness of the dangers associated with the single is due to start from Monday, with major celebrities across the country sporting lovely T-shirts bearing the slogan - "Don't look at Jamiroquai! Look at my lovely T-shirt instead!" To improve the effectiveness of their contribution, radio celebrities are being encouraged to sit as close to an external window as possible. As an extra measure, protective visors have been developed to safeguard the public from potential danger. The visors (loosely resembling 3-D glasses) come with full instructions for both putting on and taking off. This is not the first time that Jay Kay has encountered trouble regarding his shininess levels. Last year a London teenager was left with severe retinal damage and a slight headache after watching the 'Little L' video through a telescope. Denise Van Outen was unavailable for comment. |
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EditorMonkeyHello and welcome to NoiseMonkey! Its your regular made-up guide to the world of music, and this issue is just so very thrilling I'm having to try really hard not to wet myself with excitement. Or urine. In this issue the action comes thick and fast. Will the evil Jay Kay's shininess blind the general public before the government can stop him? Can the new Hear'Say dolls take-over the toy market and, just maybe, the world? And can the heroic Slipknot complete the London Marathon in under four hours to make nu-metal history? Don't you dare miss a single sentance! Enjoy! MT
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GigMonkeyGorillazAn Old Wooden Shed, The Allotments Tuesday 26th For their last tour Gorillaz ironically trained real gorillas to play instruments. The completely unexpected series of gorilla-related injuries that followed have heralded in a more low-key venue and a more subtle approach for the foreseeable future. Damon Albarn will be flicking through a book of crude stick figures wearing lovely t-shirts, whilst bringing them to life with his powers of ventriloquism. His voice-throwing skills are so finely honed that many will no doubt leave wondering whether Graham Coxon really is an elaborate human-shaped sock puppet after all. |
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New Range of Transforming Hear'Say Toys LaunchedPop action figures set to be more popular than PogsLeading toy manufacturer ToyPop Ltd revealed its new range of Hear'Say action figures this week. Changes have been made to the original designs of the figures, in an attempt to counteract the recent downward trend in sales of the band's merchandising. The new figures are fully poseable, realistic likenesses of the pop group, which transform into cars and planes. Each figure comes with its own accessories, which include a micro scooter, a guitar, and a rocket launcher with fully working spring-loaded missiles. "Our new toys are great fun. Not only does each one have a realistic miming action, but in their vehicular forms they can have all sorts of battles," said ToyPop Ltd spokeswoman Linda Vacuum-Cleaner, "They're sure to appeal to kids aged 8 to 80. When they hit 81 I'm think they'll probably grow out of them." ToyPop Ltd announced that it also has plans to follow up this release with a range of evil 'Indiecepticons' figures (led by their unconquerable leader Thom Yorke) with whom Hear'Say will be able to have fantastic chart battles. The new designs have so far received a positive response, with toy historians certain that the new Hear'Say action figures range are sure to become the next big playground thing with kids. "These new Hear'Say action figures are sure to become the next big playground thing with kids," shouted toy historian Vikki MacTwickie in the general vicinity of NoiseMonkey, "I'm certain of it. They could be bigger than Tamagotchis. Maybe even as big as Pogs. But they probably won't be as popular as the Lolo Ball. But then, what is?" |
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Slipknot To Run London MarathonColourful costumes set to raise a lot of money for charityNu-Metal band Slipknot have revealed that they will be participating in this year's London Marathon on the 14th of April. This is the first time the slightly scary-looking nine-strong Des Moines group have attempted this event, although their sampler Sid Wilson came third last year in a charity fun run. Speaking exclusively to NoiseMonkey, frontman Corey Taylor described the band's excitement at being a part of the event: "We're really excited, you know? We've done a lot of stuff for charity recently - sponsored goat-killings, auctioning off our old fright masks, hosting Children in Need - but this should be the best yet," he breathed over the telephone from what sounded like a slaughterhouse, "We've all been getting our parents and friends to sponsor us, and it looks like we're going to raise nearly two hundred dollars." Whilst the rest of the Group will be running in their full stage get-up of boilersuits and fright masks, Number 6 (Kym) will be avoiding the risk of heat exhaustion by swapping her gas mask for some lovely face paint. It is thought that this will most likely be in the form of a friendly looking lion, a pretty butterfly or maybe a funny monkey face, but spectators will have to wait for the day to find out. Slipknot are not the first nu-metal act to enter the London Marathon. Last year, America's the Marilyn Manson attempted the run, but was forced to pull out after a mile and half when he felt a bit tired. |
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NoisesOffDear NoiseMonkey, I HATE you. Not only do you cruelly force a monkey to wear headphones for your own sick amusement. But then you are depraved enough to turn up the noise levels, causing it obvious pain. And then you've got the cheek to put a picture of this monstrous act at the top of every one of your deplorable issues.
You're SICK! ALF via morse code |
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Next IssueNoiseMonkey is proud to announce that the next issue of NoiseMonkey will almost definitely include the free gift of a free NoiseMonkey video for every NoiseMonkey reader. The special free super-dooper NoiseMonkey tape will work in most, but not all, Betamax video players, and will feature an old episode of Eastenders and fifteen minutes of Crimewatch, followed by some static. Wow! Isn't NoiseMonkey great! YOU WILL LOVE NOISEMONKEY. |
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NoiseMonkey Hit By Pop Idol Story ShortageNews stories now reliant on Dido and DurstManufactured music news website NoiseMonkey has been hit by a severe and unexpected shortage of stories about Pop Idol Will Young. Until recently, Young contributed to over eighty percent of the featured news stories published on the site. The news is extremely worrying for the makers of NoiseMonkey, with fears that the empathsise of the website will have to switch to solely mocking Dido and Fred Durst, who currently contribute 12 percent and 5 percent of all stories at present. There are further worries that news stories featuring other music artists may have to be used in the future. "We're obviously going to try our hardest not to let this Pop Idol drought affect our overall output," said NoiseMonkey NewsEditor Patrick Shoehorn, "There will definitely NOT be any blatant space-filling to meet the quota for each issue." He then added "Um, that's right. Definitely no space-filling. None what-so-ever." |
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