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Home | Archive | Previous Issue | Next Issue | Issue 13 |
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ISSUE 13 |
| 'God Save The Queen' Revealed To Be Touching Love Song To Monarch | | David Gray Attempts Death Defying Pillar Stunt | | Andrew WK Talks Of S Club Juniors Bullying Ordeal | | |||
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'God Save The Queen' Revealed To Be Touching Love Song To MonarchJohnny Rotten: "We've been misinterpreted for 25 years"Music historians were forced to rewrite their musical history books using Tippex and other popular brands of correction fluid this week after the revelation that fiery punk song "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols was not, as previously believed, a call to rebellion, but rather a touching love song dedicated to the monarch by the band. Speaking at the launch of his new range of commemorative plates celebrating the silver anniversary of the release of 'God Save The Queen', mild-mannered John Lydon (secret identity of Sex Pistol's frontman Johnny Rotten) explained that people had got the wrong end of the stick about the song. "Its really not a revolutionary anti-monarchy song at all," explained Lydon, "People, and in particular the music press, just misinterpreted the lyrics to turn it into something it wasn't. It was meant to be a touching tribute to the Queen for her supremely wonderful devotion to her country and loyal subjects. I'm a terribly big fan of the royal family, but they won't even speak to me because of this stupid misunderstanding. Its really rather upsetting." Lydon has made it clear that he aims to make every effort to repair the damage his relationship with the Queen has suffered over the last twenty-five years. A solo single entitled 'I Really Love The Queen (She's Lovely)' is due for release in July, and Lydon hopes to use the publicity surrounding it to get his side of the story across in music publications such as NoiseMonkey and SoundGibbon. Whilst the singer maintains that the music press fanned the flames of hate, he also admits that the poor recording quality of the original record also helped add to the error, with key lyrics of the song often being misheard. "People will always hear what they want to hear," explained Lydon in a slow voice, as if to an idiot, "When I supposedly sang about the Queen's 'fascist regime', I was actually congratulating the Queen on her 'fantastic regime'. I can't believe all the silly fuss this simple misunderstanding caused. If we'd included a lyrics sheet this whole nasty business could have been avoided." 'I Really Love The Queen (She's Lovely)' is released on July 22nd through BabbleBaboon Records. |
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Hello and welcome to your friendly neighbourhood NoiseMonkey! NoiseMonkey is a mightily-superstitious made-up music news site and issue 13 brings with it a great sense of foreboding. NoiseMonkey has been devouring four leaf clovers and black cats all week to prevent falling foul to bad luck, and so far it seems to have worked. In this issue we find out the disturbing royalist truth behind the Sex Pistols, discover the connection between the principle of simple harmonic motion and David Gray, and give Andrew WK a manly shoulder to cry on. Enjoy! MT
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Kings of Convenience Exam Advice"Failure", as Norwegian acoustic duo Kings of Convenience once sang, "is always the best way to learn". NoiseMonkey scoured their lyrics for other useful exam tips: "Always write in brown ink / It helps you think / About trees" "Quiet peaceful exam halls / Perfect for naps and dreaming" "Softly singing to yourself / Brings answers and love / To all around you" "Pictures of birds / More important than words / And formulae" |
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David Gray Attempts Death-Defying Pillar StuntWobbling head putting life at riskIt was revealed yesterday that David Gray has climbed to the top of a tall pillar as part of an amazing act of endurance. Although the stunt is similar to that undertaken by disturbing-looking American illusionist David Blaine recently, Gray's agent insists that this is not a copycat attempt. "We've been planning this for months now, and obviously we were a little disappointed that David Blaine pipped us to the post by a matter of days," explained Kate Oven-Cleaner, Gray's agent, "But we'd already built the pillar, and David had far too many names on his sponsorship form to back out by then." It appears that some degree of animosity has sprung up between Gray and the illusionist, with the recording artist intent on enduring more endurance during his own stunt. "David Gray is not happy!" shouted the singer-songwriter from the top of his pillar, "David Gray's pillar is 79 feet tall so Blaine makes one that is 80 feet tall! Well, David Gray will show Blaine! Blaine lasted for 34 hours and 23 minutes. David Gray will jump from pillar after 34 hours and 24 minutes! That show Blaine who the man! David Gray the man!" Gray has taken only a guitar with him to the top of his pillar, which he will be using for entertaining the spectating crowds beneath, who will also be expected to catch him when he eventually jumps from the top. Pillar experts however warn that Gray's trademark 'nodding dog' motion that accompanies all his performances could prove fatal. The movement of his wobbling head could cause him to lose his balance or, as an extreme possibility, start the column to oscillate in simple harmonic motion and thereby throw him to the cold, cold ground beneath. At the time of going to press Gray remains at the top of his pillar. |
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Andrew WK Talks Of S Club Juniors Bullying OrdealRock singer "sad" at not being allowed to join clubAndrew WK spoke exclusively to NoiseMonkey this week to reveal that he has for some time been the victim of bullying from chart-topping chart-toppers S Club Juniors. The child stars have enacted both verbal and physical abuse upon the rock singer, who has been so emotionally distraught that he hasn't changed out of the same white T-shirt and ripped jeans for weeks. WK alleges that the eight young pop stars have been making fun of him behind his back, calling him names such as 'And-poo WK', and pulling his hair in the playground. The star wept openly as he told NoiseMonkey that a few days ago Daisy (12) even beat him up and stole his lunch money. Events came to a head last week when Mrs WK insisted that her son invite S Club Juniors to his birthday party. However the group turned up without any presents and proceeded to eat all the jelly and ice-cream before anyone else could have any, cheated at pass-the-parcel, and then used pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey as an excuse to stick pins in WK. To date, no attempt at reconciliation has been made by either side. "Its so unfair," cried WK, "I really wanted to be their friend, I really did. I lent them comics and always let them have some of my crisps, but they won’t let me into their stupid club. I hate them. I'm going to start my own club and not let S Club Juniors join. We'll have our own badges and adventures and meetings and walkie talkies and BMX bikes and treehouses and secret codes and everything!" S Club Juniors' next single 'Sunny Sunshine Sundays' is released on June 24th through Kiddiwink Records. The CD release is to be coated with chocolate and sprinkles, whilst the 12" version will be made out of liquorice. |
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NoisesOffDear NoiseMonkey, I am very disappointed in you. Everyone knows that the music
press has the power to make or break bands, and yet you have done less than
nothing to halt the career of the dreadful A1.
Yours disappointedly TONY via telepathy |
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