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Home | Archive | Previous Issue | Next Issue | Issue 16 |
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ISSUE 16 |
| Jeremy Beadle Comes Clean: "I Am DJ Otzi" | | Shock As Travis Plc Business Irregularities Are Discovered | | Archaeologists Discover Lost City Of Alanis | | |||
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Jeremy Beadle Comes Clean: "I Am DJ Otzi"Music industry feel like "monkey fools" over deceptionThe music industry was forced to sit down and get its thoughts straight this week after the shock discovery that DJ Otzi, one of its brightest stars, is in fact the creation of Britain's premier prankster, Jeremy Beadle (21). The hoax came to light when 'DJ Otzi' was caught swapping a man's car for an identical one, moments before running over it with a steamroller. The star of hit prank programmes 'Game For A Laugh' and 'Beadle's About' admitted to a stunned press conference that he had posed as the Austrian pop artist for months, using only a crude mask made out of paper mache and jaffa cakes. The stunt was originally intended to be used as a short piece of material for Beadle's new project 'Beadle's Arsing About', a follow-up to his recent practical joke series 'Triggerhappy TV' which saw him spending weeks at a time disguised as Dom Joly. However the new project turned into a months-long experiment into human deception when the public failed to spot the joke. "I was so sure that people would twig to the gag pretty quickly that when they didn't I just tried to see how ridiculously obvious I could make it that the whole thing was a joke," said Beadle to NoiseMonkey using only the power of his mind, "But nothing seemed to get through. Nobody batted an eyelid when I released Hey Baby for the twelfth time, and when I released it again as a football song everyone seemed to think it was the most natural thing in the world. I mean, for goodness sake, its got nothing to do with football or England. Are you all monkey fools or something?" Beadle also revealed that he'd left clues to the hoax within the lyrics of his singles. Taking the first letter of each of the verses of 'Do Wah Diddy' spells out 'You've Been Framed' - the name of the hilarious video-recorded injuries series that Beadle hosted early in his career. Other more subtle clues included replacing the original lyrics of 'Hey Baby', with the words "I'm Beadle (Ooh-ah)" in a clear and obvious manner on every single televised performance. The prank has raised serious security issues within the music industry, with many concerned at how easy it is for a member of the public to break into the Top 40. There are also fears of a 'pop witch hunt', in a bid to uncover other undercover hoaxers. Already, there have been several attempts to discover whether the popular rumour that Michael Jackson is the satirical creation of satirical creator Chris Morris are true, although to date no-one has managed to get close enough to rip off his mask. NEWS JUST IN: Beadle is currently being questioned by police as to the whereabouts of a Mr D.J. Otzi from Austria, who is reported missing, presumed Beadled. |
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Hello and welcome to NoiseMonkey, home of manufactured music news! Once more fully avoiding embracing the public zeitgeist, this latest issue of NoiseMonkey forsakes all possible humorous stories about Glastonbury, the Oasis album, or Pavarotti's retirement to concentrate instead on Jeremy Beadle and Alanis Morissette. Its only a matter of time before we'll be running a spoof story about Rolf Harris performing at a popular music festival. Just think how crazy that would be! And hilarious! What's that you say? Somebody beat us to it? Oh. Anyone fancy a story about the Krankees headlining Reading? MT
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ReviewMonkey Red Hot Chili Peppers
Like some kind of sonic grandmother this single takes all the unique trademark sounds of a classic Chili Peppers single - guitars, drums, a man singing - and skilfully knits these strands into a giant scarf of sun-laden energy. The sort of thing that Tom Baker might wear if he owned a skateboard. --- Prodigy
Oh dear. I'm out of room. I'm afraid that there's no way I'll be able to give an opinion on this single. Shame. I was really looking forward to reviewing it as well. |
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Shock As Travis Plc Business Irregularities Are DiscoveredNumber of good songs likely to have been overstated by many millionsThe music industry was reeling like a dwarf struck by a mountain gorilla yesterday after massive irregularities were discovered in the accounts of indie market-leader Travis Plc. Business analysts claim that they have reasonable evidence to suggest that the company has deliberately overstated the number of its good songs by several million. More accurate estimates value the company at around two good songs. A recent investigation by auditors Gibbon & Gibbon brought the fraud to light, after thoroughly going through the company's back catalogue with a fine tooth comb and comparing it to their current music industry valuation. Travis Plc are not the only company currently suspected of fraud, with the recent announcement of a Fun Lovin' Criminals Inc 'Greatest Hits' double-CD compilation arousing suspicion of exaggerated results. Experts warn that this corruption could destroy faith in the music industry as a whole, and have a serious knock-on effect on consumer confidence, with many consumers likely to become too scared to even enter record shops. This in turn could have the serious knock-on effect of making record shop workers feel extremely lonely and unloved. This could have the serious knock-on effect of a rise in consumption of unhealthy comfort foods such as chocolate, ice cream, and potatoes. This is not expected to have any further serious knock-on effects, with the possible exception of indigestion. In a bid to encourage musical responsibility there have already been calls for much tougher punishments for music bodies attempting such fraud. Under current music industry laws, if Travis Plc is found guilty of mispractise then its chief exec Fran Healy will be sent to bed with no supper. Consumer watchdogs are campaigning to have this sentence raised to getting a proper haircut. |
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Archaeologists Discover Lost City Of AlanisRuins discovered buried just off Blackpool Pleasure BeachArchaeologists have uncovered a mythical city buried beneath the sea, whose inhabitants inexplicably worshipped moaning songstress Alanis Morissette. The so-called 'Lost City of Alanis' has lain hidden for literally years, largely because nobody could be bothered to look for it. The underwater metropolis is believed to have had an advanced culture, possessing a large range of women's magazines and self-help manuals. The explorers have yet to uncover evidence of the reason why the city existed, and why its mostly-female citizens worshipped Morissette, but many believe that it was built purely to create a slightly lame pun. The forgotten civilisation has been lost since 1995, when in a period of prosperity a freak disaster buried it beneath the waves. Many commentators described this tragedy as "ironic", but were then pointed out as monkey fools. The discovery was announced to the world by eminent explorer Professor Sigmund Monkey-Boy, who is said to be wetting himself at the importance of this finding. "I'm wetting myself at the importance of this finding. Yay me," said Professor Monkey-Boy, "My team and I searched long and hard to find the lost city. We tried searching everywhere - Ibiza, Ayia Napa, Costa Del Sol, Majorca. Eventually we found it just off Blackpool Pleasure Beach, which is always the last place we archaeologists look." The finding represents the most important discovery since last month when renowned explorer Sir Quentin Dust-Buster uncovered mythical techno troublemakers, the Prodigy who disappeared nearly four years ago. The group were discovered down the side of the sofa, which is always the second to last place archaeologists look. |
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NoisesOffDear NoiseMonkey, Why oh why are there always such long gaps between each of your issues? It only takes me a few minutes to read through each issue, which leaves me sitting staring vacantly into space waiting for the next one for many days at a time. Surely you could produce each issue faster? I tried writing out issue 15 and it took me less than quarter of an hour. I calculated that you could therefore easily produce 96 issues a day. Please do this. Thank you, ALEX via an elaborate system of pulleys |
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