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	ISSUE 18		\| Paul McCartney: "I'm Richer Than Jesus" \| \| Fatboy Slim's Quiet Trip To Beach Ruined By Prank \| \| Kylie to Split Up \| \| Summit To Tackle Issue Of CD Waste \|

Paul McCartney: "I'm Richer Than Jesus"

Performer has made gazillions performing at his performances

Paul 'Sir' McCartney got a step closer to owning all the money on the planet this week as it was revealed that his US tour had the highest takings of all live acts last year. The performer, who came to fame as lead singer with Wings, now has an estimated wealth of roughly ten gazillion pounds.

As well as revenue earned from ticket sales for his sell-out American shows, McCartney also made considerable sums from branded merchandise sold at each of his gigs, ranging from ping-pong tables and dishwashers, to laptop computers and antique furniture. Total tour takings topped £35million, nearly £7m more than next biggest sellers of last year - piano-molesting duo Billy Joel and Elton John. Coincidentally, the pair were recently bought by McCartney at a celebrity auction for an undisclosed sum of twenty kazillion dollars.

"Sir McCartney is now so rich he can pretty much do whatever he likes. He's reached the point where he doesn't need the music-buying public any more," explained Mickey Bonanza, chief economist of Boooom! music magazine, "He has so much wealth, its entirely possible for him to buy every single copy made of every single record he ever releases - and still somehow make a profit. Not only that, but the man could easily afford to buy himself a big bucket full of jaffa cakes every day. Now that's rich."

Yet despite his riches, McCartney remains characteristically humble about his wealth:

"I'm flippin' loaded, me. I'm richer than Jesus," said McCartney, "He hardly made any money at his performances, whereas I've made squillions and squillions. And I've got more jaffa cakes than he ever had. I'm skill!"

Hello and welcome to NoiseMonkey!

It has come to my attention in recent weeks that many makers of dictionaries have sadly failed to include the verb 'to NoiseMonkey' (meaning to make up music stories) in their pages.

Please help to bring the English language up to speed by petitioning these dictionary makers until they include the word and/or correcting all existing dictionaries with marker pens. Thank you.

MT
EditorMonkey

ReviewMonkey

Doves
Pounding

With more momentum than a hippo in a wheelbarrow careering down a steep slope, you could do worse things than spend your money on this single. Like go hippo-spotting at the bottom of a steep hill, say.

---

Darius
Colourblind

I haven't heard this single yet, so I can't be one hundred percent certain that it actually exists. Could all be some sort of music industry joke if you ask me.

Fatboy Slim's Quiet Trip To Beach Ruined By Prank

False rumour of free event fools thousands of fans

A quiet trip to Brighton beach was ruined for Norman 'Fatboy Slim' Cook last week, when thousands of fans turned up expecting him to put on a free event. False rumours that Cook would be performing a live DJ set had spread like wildfire, from what turned out to be a simple hoax.

Cook was said to be looking forward to making sandcastles, eating ice-creams and being stung by jellyfish, in a bid to relax away from the mixing desk. However, within minutes of arriving, the DJ found himself surrounded by thousands of fans calling out for a performance. Cook allegedly tried saying 'no' to their requests, but eventually gave in when several of the crowd threatened to cry. Despite having only an old mono cassette player and his in-car stereo to mix with the DJ managed to perform a varied set.

This is not the first time Cook has been the victim of this brand of hoax. On a recent trip to Japan to enjoy the World Cup matches, the superstar DJ was reluctantly forced to perform several impromptu sets after word spread that he was in the country to entertain his fans. Cook is said to be getting tired of this happening.

"Some joker thinks its funny to make me look like a monkey. Well, when I find out who it is, then I'm going to give them a piece of Fatboy's mind," Cook told NoiseMonkey using only samples from old songs, "I mean, I'm married to Zoë Ball and I used to be in the Housemartins. For the love of Jive Bunny, haven't I suffered enough already? "

Kylie to Split Up

Arse To Go Solo

Pop sensation Kylie is to split up, after Kylie's arse stormed out of recent video shoot after demands for a more prominent role were denied. There have been rumours of a growing rift between the pair of cheeks and the rest of the elfin pop star since tabloids published pictures of a number of record executives kissing Kylie's arse in an attempt to woo it away onto their label.

Kylie's arse has long been the centre of attention of Kylie, and it is suggested that other members, such as her legs are envious of the attention, contributing to the break up. At the moment it is unclear whether the remaining members will also go solo, or attempt to carry on as an arse-less Kylie. It is understood that her elbow will be following Kylie's arse into a solo career, in the belief that the average record buyer will be unable to tell the difference.

Many music pundits are not confident that Kylie's arse, with its reportedly "deep, rasping voice", will find success. Rentagob Terry Christian off TV's The Word, commented "You can't have an arse as a solo artist, that's ridiculous. It would be like having a drummer being the frontman of a band". However, on being reminded of the existence of Phil Collins, Mr Christian withdrew both his comments.

Story contributed by NoiseMonkey member #GC/22350/2.29

GigMonkey

Meatloaf
Hyde Park, London
Wednesday 24th

Although the Hyde Park venue promises to make this a worthwhile outing for the 'Loaf, NoiseMonkey is currently saving up its pennies for his next UK appearance at Kenilworth Safari Park. Allegedly this gig will offer fans the unique opportunity to shoot the star with rifles whilst he belts out a selection of old favourites.

NoisesOff

Dear NoiseMonkey,

I don't like your website. I'm not going to be specific - its all terrible. Would it be at all possible for you to give it all up now and do something more constructive with your time? I quite enjoy writing emails to manufactured music sites - you could try that.

Thank you,

ANNA via electronic mail

Summit To Tackle Issue Of CD Waste

Public to be urged to recycle music collections

An EU summit to tackle Europe's growing CD waste mountain is expected to be held next month. Households in England and Wales alone create 27 million tonnes of waste a year - nearly 90% of which is discarded compact discs. It is feared that the recent booming sales of Scooter's 'The Logical Song' may have serious repercussions for future generations.

Environmentalists have been campaigning for years for the UK to reduce the levels of its discarded CDs, ever since it was revealed that a landfill the size of Coventry was created purely to fill with unwanted copies of 'On The Shoulder Of Giants'. They argue that current CD disposal rates cannot be allowed to continue.

"Current CD disposal rates cannot be allowed to continue," argued environmentalist Jeff the Environmentalist, "There's just too many risks attached to burying all this waste. What if, years and years from now, a child playing on a local landfill site finds a copy of Nigel & Marvin's 'Follow Da Leader'? When you're faced with a situation as terrible as that it seems pretty clear that you've either got to stop this waste being created in the first place or turn it into something useful. Like a frisbee."