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Home | Archive | Previous Issue | Next Issue | Issue 26 |
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ISSUE 26 |
| Were The Beatles A Government Conspiracy? | | The Year 2002 To Be Repeated In Full In 2004 | | Scientists Announce Next Stage Of Pop Rival Experiment | | |||
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Were The Beatles A Government Conspiracy?Fresh evidence suggests the group never happenedThe music world was shaken like a pair of maracas this week at the revelation that popular beat combo group, the Beatles, may never have happened. Evidence uncovered by pop historian Professor Cyril B. Cheeky (and detailed in his new book 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Lie - Why The Beatles Never Existed And Anyone Who Says Otherwise Is A Stinking Liar') points to the Liverpudlian group's existence being faked by the Government. He theorises that in the early sixties Britain looked set to lose the race with the Soviets to be the first country to put a popular beat combo on the map, and faked the creation of the Beatles to trick the world and save face. Professor Cheeky believes that the events of February 7th 1964 (when the world watched the Beatles land on America soil) were faked. As he points out in his book, no scientific tests have ever taken place to prove conclusively that the soil the band brought back is definitely American. Cheeky's strongest evidence for the conspiracy lies at the very heart of Beatlemania - the screaming girls who supposedly greeted the 'Fab Four' whenever they appeared in public. 'Factual' accounts would suggest that hundreds of teenage girls participated in these screaming welcomes wherever the group went. However, despite interviewing thousands of teenage girls up and down the country over the last six months the pop historian found that not a single one had ever screamed at the Beatles. The professor met with NoiseMonkey to demonstrate further video evidence of the conspiracy behind the Beatles. Footage of the Beatles supposedly performing on 'the Ed Sullivan Show' on February 9th 1964 is full of discrepancies that shout out to the keen-eyed sceptic as loud as Brian Blessed at a shouting competition: "Just look at the way Ringo's hair moves as he hits those drums. Its rippling and waving around a bit, almost as if blown by the wind. BUT THERE WAS NEVER ANY WIND ALLOWED IN THE 'THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW' STUDIO," said Professor Cheeky in big capital letters, "Ed was allergic to wind. However, financial records for the BBC from that period show that there was no budget for draught-excluders. Clearly this performance is taking place in a studio somewhere in London. Clearly." Sgt Pepper, the Eggman, and the Walrus were all unavailable for comment. |
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Hello and welcome to NoiseMonkey! And the year 2003! And what better way to start a new year, than with more manufactured news stories than you can shake a monkey at?! We've got manufactured stories about the Beatles, hats, Pop Rivals, and two references to Roland Rivron (including that one). So why not make reading NoiseMonkey your New Year's resolution, eh? (Or if that's going to be too tricky to stick to, maybe you could just decide to try to shake fewer monkeys this year. They don't like it as much as people think. You monster.) Mark
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ReviewMonkey Electric Six
A skilfully daft but ever-so catchy song with a memorable video. Fully expect brightly glowing underwear to be commercially available from a high street store near you soon. --- Busted
A cynical attempt to cash in on the next batch of millennium fever by these guitar-holding young adults. A fiver says a live version will feature on the December 31st 2999 edition of Jools Holland's Cyber-Hootenanny In Space and the single subsequently re-enters the charts at number one. |
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The Year 2002 To Be Repeated In Full In 2004Will offer public chance to catch moments they might have missed, The Ketchup SongIt was announced this week that owing to the massive popularity enjoyed by the year 2002, it would be repeated in full in a year's time. Throughout 2004, members of the public will get another chance to enjoy their favourite moments of 2002, and to catch those classic events that might have passed them by first time. The music industry will be spearheading the repeat of 2002 by releasing only records from the period, offering the public a chance to buy a spare copy of The Ketchup Song - useful if the original should be destroyed by a hammer or accidentally swallowed. Original compositions will be banned, with heavy fines enforceable by the newly appointed Nostalgia Police. Songwriters showing any signs of originality will be locked in a big basement under Pete Waterman's house. Popular TV talent shows Pop Idol, Fame Academy, Pop Rivals, and Noel Edmonds' Big Pop Choose-a-thon will be precisely re-enacted on our television screens. Throughout 2003, ordinary members of the public will be given the opportunity to audition for the parts of the ordinary members of the public that auditioned for these shows, and in 2004 the winners will spend a year wearing face masks resembling Will, Gareth, Darius, and the other hopefuls. The mass re-enactment across the country will mean that the public will once again thrill to 2002's Big Brother contestants 'rocking out' to Nickelback in their garden, see Hear'Say implode again, watch Coldplay surprise critics by being quite good again, read about terrible tabloid puns about Liam Gallagher getting his teeth knocked out again - all without the need for a complicated time machine or some sort of talking heads 'I Love 2002' show presented by Roland Rivron. |
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Scientists Announce Next Stage Of Pop Rival ExperimentShould the ultimate pop group wear hats?Scientists are keen to push forward the next stage of the Pop Rival experiment - an in-depth study into the ingredients that will make up the ultimate pop group. Already, through the controlled and simultaneous release of records by two bands, Girls Aloud and One True Voice, the study has established that the most effective pop group must be female. Now scientists are keen to test other variables. The next stage will establish whether the ultimate pop group would wear hats or not. Two bands will again be assembled - one wearing hats, the other with no hats. By releasing records on the same day and recording their success against a 'control' act such as the Cheeky Girls, the necessity of hats in pop music can be scientifically measured in a way that would make Isaac Newton proud, if he happens to watch it. "Other attempts to manufacture perfect pop bands have lacked co-ordination, direction, a written plan in line with GCSE Physics. With our manufactured bands we've approached it scientifically. By changing a band's variables one-by-one we'll eventually have all the ingredients of the perfect pop group," said a scientist that NoiseMonkey found hanging suspiciously around the empty Pop Rival studio drinking Yop, "And then we'll be able to make the big pop casserole that is the Ultimate Pop Group. Of all time. And then there'll be no point to the charts and we'll be able to put all the effort that the music industry puts into it into something more worthwhile. Like running a big garden centre perhaps. Or making the world's first live action recreation of the popular Guess Who board game." Leaked details about further stages of the pop experiment suggest that the next set of trials could test three girl groups simultaneously - one group of tall women, one group of short women, and another group of mixed height wearing stilts. Pop Rival sources have neither confirmed or denied rumours that there will be a stage of the experiment to establish whether a band consisting of five women who aren't Geri Halliwell would sell more records than a band consisting of five women who are Geri Halliwell. |
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Predictions For 2003+ At a star-studded award ceremony, Michael Jackson will stun guests by juggling three small children whilst riding a unicycle. + The third film in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy will end with a big song and dance number jointly written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ben Elton, and the Tweenies (who will also double as elves in some of the earlier fight scenes). Gandalf's guitar solo will be recorded by Brian May. + Pete Waterman's ears will fall off due to over-use. There will be a silver lining when he is offered a kazillion quid to advertise contact lenses. |
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