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Home | Archive | Previous Issue | Next Issue | Issue 27 |
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ISSUE 27 |
| Hip Hop Blamed For Rise In Gnu Crime | | Doubts Raised Over Plans For CD Entitlement Cards | | Ringo Airbrushed Out Of Beatles Photo | | |||
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Hip-Hop Blamed For Rise In Gnu CrimeIs gnu culture glamorised by lyrics?Its the question on the lips of the British public - what's a gnu? Well, about a tenner, if you get it off the black market. Statistics released into the wild this week show a worrying increase in gnu-related crime in recent months, located mainly in London and other city areas. Not normally native to Britain, the gnu is smuggled into the country by 'mules' who swallow one or more of the animals to avoid detection by customs officials. These illegal gnu traders then sell the creatures to gnu-users who smoke them, use their horns as makeshift tin openers, wear their skin as fashionable capes, or just ride them to and from the shops. Bob McQuagga, Minister For Wildebeest, was quick to hit out at hip-hop and garage music for glamorising gnu culture in their lyrics. Conscious of those who doubt the influence of music on an individual's actions, Mr McQuagga pointed with his finger to statistics that highlight the almost negligible percentage of gnu users among both the deaf and fans of the panpipes. Conservationists warn that the gnu is a really wild animal, and unsuited to the inner city. Its natural habitat is the southern African grasslands where it eats short grass and occasionally long grass, sleeps rough in tall grass, and uses grass to hide from its predators. There is strong concern that the gnu may be too boring to survive in any ecosystem that doesn't consist entirely of grass. Ecologists have also warned that as the animals are naturally disposed to migration, there could be severe repercussions across the country, such as increased congestion on the M25, overcrowded buses, and long queues at airports. |
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Hello and welcome to NoiseMonkey! As anyone who's ever listened to a Mogwai album at full volume will tell you - music can be dangerous. But to what extent should the Government be allowed to protect us from potential harm? In this issue NoiseMonkey gets all political and hard-hitting. And then ruins it all by investigating pictures of lovely kittens. Hey ho. Mark
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ReviewMonkey T.A.T.U.
Probably the best Russian tune since that theme from Tetris. Slightly less controversial than the game too. --- Kelly Osbourne
Ok, biting the head off a bat has already been done,
but there's plenty of other creatures that Kelly could bite the head off to
get that extra bit of publicity - squirrels, llamas, dolphins, etc.
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Doubts Raised Over Plans For CD Entitlement CardsControlling CD purchases infringes on human rightsGovernment proposals for compulsory entitlement cards required for the purchase of CDs came under a hail of criticism and a sleet of condemnation this week. Under the scheme, every British citizen will be issued with a card enabling them to buy singles and albums. A central database will record every single music purchase as it is made, and the police will be able to remove an individual's entitlement if it is believed that their record collection may constitute a threat to the general public. It is hoped that this system of control will bring order to a music chart that has seen serious crimes against it in recent weeks (you know the ones). The plans have received heavy criticism from campaigners who see the ability to purchase CDs as a right, and not a privilege, and believe that the Government does not have a justification to know how many copies of The Ketchup Song an individual has bought. Spokesperson Velma Sandwich-Toaster spoke to NoiseMonkey about the issues at stake: "Its a total attack on civil liberties and the concept of music collection privacy. Okay, it sounds great in principle to be able to stop certain unworthy singles from being launched into the charts by repeat offenders with questionable music tastes, but there's no way it'll stop there," explained Sandwich-Toaster with the aid of a clear, confident voice, good body language and a PowerPoint presentation, "What happens when you're refused credit just because you once bought a copy of that Its A Rainbow single to be 'ironic'? Or when you're turned down for a job just because you once bought something by Kula Shaker? What then?" |
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Ringo Airbrushed Out Of Beatles PhotoAww, look! It's a kitten! Great!There was mild surprise this week as someone noticed that musician Mr Ringo Starr had been airbrushed out of all the photos used by a manufacturer of Beatles souvenirs. The company produces a range of poor-quality merchandise imprinted with Beatles images, from sofas and fridges, to spoons and big pairs of pants. The modern photo editing technology employed is similar to that used regularly to digitally add Michael Eavis' beard and Gaz Supergrass' chops to every picture they appear in, and also to ensure that Thom Yorke's big beaming smile is always inverted. A spokesman for the souvenir company explained the reasons behind the decision to edit the original Beatles image: "Through extensive research we found that focus groups weren't responding well to Ringo's face, and that this was negatively affecting sales," said the spokesman, whose name NoiseMonkey completely forgot to ask, "It just wasn't appealing to contemporary tastes and sensibilities, so we airbrushed him and his big face out of the picture and replaced him with a lovely kitten. People like kittens. They're very now. And make great drummers." |
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DID YOU KNOWFACT: Darius is a robot sent from the future to kill music. Hence his fear of strong magnets. FACT: Kelly Osbourne can carry her young in the pouches of her cheeks. FACT: The Red Hot Chili Peppers can't stop. FACT: There are no more facts. |
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