noisemonkey

TOMORROW’S TECH TODAY: The Audience Height Adjuster (AHA)...

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 16:18:48 +0100

TOMORROW’S TECH TODAY: The Audience Height Adjuster (AHA)

Those of us who have ever been stood behind The World’s Tallest Man at a concert are well aware that it is humanity’s most pressing problem - how to conveniently maximise band visibility for all audience members?

Most venues have attempted to solve this problem by issuing ticket-holders with adjustable stilts. Whilst this has provided a convenient short-term solution, the stilts have always tended to attract infestations of clowns.

But now hope is at hand.

The Audience Height Adjuster (AHA) from MoranisTech is a ceiling-based device that subtly and continuously adjusts the height of each and every member of the audience - shortest at the front, tallest at the back, with unobscured views for all. It’s the perfect system.

We caught up with the makers of the gadget to find out more about the science behind it.

”The Audience Height Adjuster (AHA) works using magnets, a complex system of pulleys, and a shrink ray,” explained Timothy Wardrobe, head scientist at MoranisTech, “Plus a laser for hats. You’ve really got to watch out for hats.”

Similar gig technology emerged in the 1990s, but with a key difference. The instrument would enlarge band members themselves by up to 100 metres to make them more conveniently visible. However, the short-lived technology faced sharp criticism after the British pop group Shampoo were made big in Japan and destroyed Tokyo.

REVIEWVideo Games: The Video GamePS3 / Xbox360 / Game &...

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 16:13:00 +0000

REVIEW
Video Games: The Video Game
PS3 / Xbox360 / Game & Watch £39.99

After a lengthy five year development cycle, this Lana Del Ray tie-in finally hits our consoles. Coming from the producers of mega-hit Lawnmower Simulator 2099 expectations are high, but is it worth the wait?

The game begins promisingly enough with a vehicle customisation menu that would make Gran Turismo blush. Literally hundreds of cars are on offer with the player able to subtly adjust engines, tyres, and seat angle. However, once the game proper starts no sooner have you got behind the wheel of your fast car then you’re forced to pull up at a backyard.

Subsequent levels feature a backdrop of various old bars, downtowns, and, again, backyards but ultimately it starts to feel repetitive very quickly. The final stage (‘Heaven Is A Place On Earth’) brings some variety to proceedings but feels overly reminiscent of Sega’s Belinda Carlisle Simulator (1988).

As music tie-ins go, Video Games: The Video Game lacks the fun immediacy of Mario & Sonic & Mumford & Sons at the Olympic Games and the gritty depth of Grand Theft Auto: Owl City.

This is not my idea of fun - playing Video Games: The Video Game.
Lana Del Rating: 6/10

FIVE FUN FACTS: Johnny Cash ‘Johnny Cash’ received...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 14:23:00 +0000

FIVE FUN FACTS: Johnny Cash

‘Johnny Cash’ received his stage-name from his refusal to use credit cards, cheque books, or PayPal. By lucky coincidence this new stage-name was also his real name.
When in a hurry, Johnny Cash would run the line.
As music venues were not invented until the late 1990s, Cash spent most of his career performing concerts at supermarkets, swimming pools, and prisons. The latter provided extremely popular and inevitably became more commercial - as documented in Cash’s hit single ‘Carling Folsom Academy Blues’.
He once fell into a burning ring of fire. Down, down, down, he fell, as the flames went higher. It turned out [SPOILER] that this was all a metaphor, and so the emergency services were unable to respond to his phone call.
Despite his sombre outlaw image and black clothing, few ever suspected that Johnny Cash was actually Batman.

NEWS: Protests Planned As Music Industry Criticised For...

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:34:58 +0000

NEWS: Protests Planned As Music Industry Criticised For Appalling Music Writing Conditions

Campaigners this week called for an immediate boycott of all music, after reports leaked of the poor conditions surrounding the music writing process.

“Artists have always hated being asked in interviews where they get their song ideas from,” said campaigner Timothy Wardrobe, “But increasingly that’s because the answer is ‘an offshore sweatshop’.”

Last month several hundred factory workers (rumoured to be working on the next Coldplay single) were injured when a defective stadium-sized chorus collapsed. The factory - located in the Chinese province of Ling Xiaoyu - writes music and lyrics for hundreds of western artists, with an output of almost five songs a day. Campaigners have denounced the poor working conditions.

“I denounce the poor working conditions,” said campaigner Timothy Wardrobe, returning for his hat, “Don’t believe what anyone tells you - these songs don’t write themselves. It’s backbreaking and dangerous work. Lots of sharp objects, molten metal, and tiny fiddly bits with tweezers trying to get the verses to rhyme. These poor workers suffer from crippling ear disorders, repetitive chorus strain injuries, and last year alone there were more than twenty fatal cases of Bieber Fever. It has to stop. Full stop. Exclamation mark.”

Although offshore music-writing is a relatively recent development the industry has long been criticised for the methods it employs to keep song production output high. In the 1980s record producers Stock Aitken & Waterman (previously a maritime law firm) bought a Sheffield warehouse for use in mass-writing popular songs. Although financially successful for a time, their so-called ‘Hit Factory’ was forced to close after the work force complained about all the hitting.

FIVE FUN FACTS: The Beach Boys The Beach Boys took their name...

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 13:43:00 +0000

FIVE FUN FACTS: The Beach Boys

The Beach Boys took their name after a prison break and chase by the police led to them falling into an experimental particle accelerator. The accident molecularly bonded them with sand and granted them shape-shifting sand abilities and powerful vocal harmonies.
Early records such as Surfin’ Uncle, Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’ Surfin’, and Literally Everybody Is Surfin’ Right Now were recorded in a surfin’ powered recording studio off the coast of California. Twelve sound engineers died in surfin’ related accidents.
During the 1960s band leader Brian Wilson suffered from a debilitating addiction to trifle that inspired him to create songs with delicately layered harmonies.
It would be nice if we were older.
The album cover for Pet Sounds features the band members dressed as goats, being fed by goats dressed as Beach Boys.

NEWS: CD Sales To Reach Negative Figures Within Decade New...

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 17:33:00 +0000

NEWS: CD Sales To Reach Negative Figures Within Decade

New calculations made on the back of a beer mat estimate that at the current linear rate of decline, sales of CDs (‘compacted diskettes’) will be negative within the decade. Rather than selling CDs the music industry will be receiving millions of CDs each year and will struggle to find somewhere to keep them all.

A number of initiatives were tested for boosting CD sales in 2011:

Albums were put on sale in newsagents disguised as packets of crisps.
Classic albums were re-issued bundled with 10 to 20 inferior albums.
CDs were made 500% larger, to make them easier for consumers to find.

The initiatives do not appear to have halted the decline and some in the music industry have resigned themselves to the inevitability of negative sales.

“We’re preparing to find space on our shelves for millions of CDs,” said music industry spokesman Timothy Wardrobe, “My wife is not going to be happy.”

No reliable sales figures exist for music downloads since they are nearly invisible to the naked eye, and therefore too small to reliably count. MiniDiscs saw impressive results, with annual sales doubling to nearly 10 sold*.

* SOURCE: Bloke down the pub. Margin of error = 10 MiniDiscs.

THE TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2011

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 15:37:48 +0000

10 PRINT “Hello” 9 THE ALL-NEW BEATLES “I Wanna Hold Your All-New Hand” 8 ...

NEWS: December 31st Sees Release Of 10 Best Albums Of 2011,...

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 14:33:00 +0000

NEWS: December 31st Sees Release Of 10 Best Albums Of 2011, Press Retractions

The last day of 2011 saw the simultaneous release of ten albums that were deemed to be so excellent that the press were forced to re-think their previous ‘Top 10 Albums Of The Year’ lists and print retractions. The previous winners are also now being criticised for rushing out their albums in order to knock off work early.

“We gave it the full 365 days, working right up to New Year’s Eve. The extra time was invaluable in crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s,” said Gavin Doorhandle, lead-singer with The All-New Beatles, “If you don’t do that then your lyrics end up full of l’s.”

With the December 31st releases knocking all other albums out of the ‘Top 10’ lists, the situation has been likened to ‘The Tortoise And The Hare’ - a local Sussex pub that always does its best business on New Year’s Eve.

Inaccurate Top 10 Albums Of The Year 2011 have been published since back in November, but have now been returned for pulping. The Press Complaints Commission is investigating if the public have been deliberately misled. The music press have collectively been left with egg on their faces due to an unrelated entertaining incident involving escaped chickens. They were also pretty embarrassed about having to retract their Top 10 lists.

“We messed up. We jumped the gun, but unfortunately misjudged said jump and fell face first into a pit full of guns and got completely covered in guns. The guns are all tangled in our hair and everything. Plus, I think we’re mostly allergic to guns,” explained Timothy Wardrobe, spokesman for The Ghost Of Melody Maker, “In our defence - we, ummm, thought that 2011 was, errrrm, a metric year and that it had finished weeks ago?”

The Press Complaints Commission are unlikely to accept this excuse, since it has been well publicised that the UK government’s new cost-saving 10-month metric year only comes into force in 2015.

NEWS: Groove Is In The Heart, Surgeons ‘Baffled’ The...

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:39:38 +0000

NEWS: Groove Is In The Heart, Surgeons ‘Baffled’

The world of medical science was rocked like a fat rock star on a rocking horse today by the discovery of a groove gland in the heart.

Pioneering surgeons at St Optimus School Of Medical Medicine made the discovery and presented the scientific world with their results on Tuesday, by drawing the location of the gland onto the front of an old Valentines card.

The groove glands were found cheekily hiding behind the upper aortic cardio-doohickey. They are believed to have been previously missed by all other surgeons due to it being kind of dark and gross in there. Medical text books currently inaccurately state that groove is in the ankles.

“This turns medical science on its head,” said medical science spokesman Timothy Wardrobe, “Now we’re all wearing shoes as hats - and that’s NOT a good look.”

NEWS: Toy Shop Sales Non-Stop For Top Toy This Christmas, As...

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 18:01:00 +0000

NEWS: Toy Shop Sales Non-Stop For Top Toy This Christmas, As Tickle-Me-Elbow Sells Out

Sales of UK group Elbow’s tie-in product ‘Tickle-Me-Elbow’ have beaten all expectations in the run-up to Christmas, leading to shortages and the fear that the run-up may not have been long enough to jump over Christmas itself.

The popular toy features the big-bearded head and jovial features of Elbow frontman Guy Garvey, and the soft, furry, huggable body of Elbow frontman Guy Garvey. When squeezed, the toy emits a warm chuckle. When squeezed twice, the toy bursts into a anthemic, yet poignant song. When squeezed three times, the toy has to sit down and catch its breath for a couple of minutes.

It has proven to be a massive hit with children everywhere - topping an annual survey of some of the nation’s largest sellers of toys - including Toys ‘R’ Us [sic], ToyMaster, ToyLord, ToyOverlord, and Ann Summers.

“With Elbow winning the Mercury Music Prize in September 2008, there’s never been a better time to build on their creative success with this tie-in product,” said Elbow spokesman Timothy Wardrobe, “This story couldn’t be more topical right now.”

Tickle-Me-Elbow is not the only music tie-in product released this Christmas. Also out is a toy version of James Blunt. Children feed him play-dough, press down his head, and he releases hits out the other end. Blunt has failed to reach the top spot, and remains number two.