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Home | Archive | Previous Issue | Next Issue | Issue 15 |
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ISSUE 15 |
| Elvis Presley Brought Back From The Dead | | Oasis Exam Papers Leaked Onto Internet | | Channel Four Unveil New Coldplay Themed Gameshow | | |||
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Elvis Presley Brought Back From The DeadFans can expect a little less conversation, a little more taste for human fleshThe music industry was mildly surprised this week at the revelation that the original King of Rock'n'Roll, Elvis Presley, has been raised from the dead by notorious music producer Woody 'Fuddy' L'Duddy. L'Duddy claims to have brought the singer back to life using a delicately balanced combination of voodoo magic, forbidden genetic science practises, and strong coffee, and now seeks to create as many Elvis bootlegs as he can without having to resort to using crackly old original recordings. The King looks likely to be a major pop success again, with a massive fanbase willing to overlook his newfound fear of daylight and taste for human flesh as celebrity quirks. Presley first came to musical fame in 1954 when he won an ITV phone vote to become the protégé of Pete Waterman. His career rocketed, culminating in a sell-out tour of Blackpool in the 1970's. Presley died in 1977, when he accidentally swallowed the entire video back catalogue of Friends episodes. Many Presley fans believe that if he'd just waited a little longer for the DVD versions to be released he'd still be alive today, even without the aid of black magic. The singer looks likely to shamelessly cash in on his return from the dead with a number of spin-off ventures. No stranger to the big screen whilst still possessing a heartbeat, Presley is already being lined up for the lead role in a film incredibly similar to the forthcoming zombie-fest 'Resident Evil' movie - itself a spin-off of a popular computer game and bath salt franchise. According to the movie's producers 'Resident Elvis' will be "everything you'd expect of a modern zombie horror movie - only with more guitars and rock-a-hula beach boy blues". When asked by NoiseMonkey whether he would also like to appear in hit series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Elvis remained typically cool, replying only "Grrrrrrr. Aaargh." |
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Hello and welcome to NoiseMonkey home of manufactured music news! You might notice we've made a few changes to the site to keep it sufficiently fresh, exciting and new for the fresh, exciting and new world of the internet. All the pages now smell subtlely of bananas - go on, give it a try, smell that webpage. Don't worry about your work colleagues watching - just invite them to smell NoiseMonkey too. Lovely isn't it? Issue 15! Elvis! Oasis! Coldplay! Yes! MT
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AnnouncementTo contend with turbulent economic factors and the rising price of jaffa cakes, NoiseMonkey is now forced to charge for its services. Please send £1 for every word of NoiseMonkey you have read (including these ones in brackets) to the following address: 73 Fake Street,
Please make all cheques payable to 'The Mighty Mighty NoiseMonkey' and don't forget to use an envelope. Thank you. |
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Oasis Exam Papers Leaked Onto InternetTeachers found guilty at teacher court and thrown in teacher prisionThree teachers have been arrested and thrown into teacher prison after they helped to leak a paper for GCSE Oasis Studies onto the Internet half an hour before pupils were due to sit the exam. The accused teachers (who cannot be named by NoiseMonkey due to them already having names) defended themselves by claiming that the main bulk of the paper (the 95-mark question "All my people right here right now, d'ya know what I mean?") was so open-ended that the pupils would gain little advantage by having seen it before. The scandal comes at a bad time for the education authority, with many critics questioning the usefulness of the Oasis Studies qualification beyond those looking to join the group. It is thought that the subject may be dropped next year, along with the equally-troubled Foolosophy course. There are also rumours that there were bootlegged copies of the exam paper being sold on the streets across Britain from as early as 8am the same day, and for as little as £9.99. Police chiefs were quick to point out that bootlegged exam papers are often not the same as the finished version, which could lead to some disappointment. They also pointed out that stealing is WRONG. |
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Channel Four Unveil New Coldplay Themed GameshowFormat will be "not at all like Countdown"Channel Four this week unveiled a new gameshow in a bid to remind viewers that they had programmes other than Big Brother, y'know. In a bold move by the programme's makers, this will be the first gameshow to use Coldplay as more than just prizes. In each show, contestants will be asked to pick a combined total of random 'consonants' and 'vowels' from which to make words. The contestants will score greater points for longer words, especially if they are rude ones. If at any point a contestant spells a word featured in the title of any Coldplay hit single then Chris Martin descends from the ceiling on a rope to award them with a big plate of jaffa cakes. If the scores are tied at the end of the show then there is an 'identity parade'. The three other members of Coldplay stand in a row with an ordinary member of the public, with the first contestant to pick out the one who isn't in Coldplay winning the game. Although many critics have already claimed that the show is directly imitating the format of long-running series Countdown the show's producer, Mo Car-Hire, denies this. "The format is not at all like that of Countdown," denied Car-Hire, "Sure there's some similar elements, and yeah, Richard Whiteley is down to present it at 4.15pm every weekday, but I wouldn't say we were just taking Countdown and throwing in a fairly popular and easily affordable band to liven up the formula a little bit. No. That's not what we're doing at all." Rumours that ITV is set to commission a similarly Coldplay-based gameshow entitled 'Coldplay Your Cards Right' are almost certainly false, and anyone who claims otherwise is a stinking liar. |
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NoisesOffDear NoiseMonkey, I would just like to say I am a MASSIVE fan of your work. I'm six foot eight and weigh twenty-five stone. Yours, DAVINA via telefax --- To MR NOSEMONKEY You may already have won £10,000! Just scratch off the panels to find three matching monkey bottoms for a guaranteed prize.
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